Random Comments I Heard This Weekend


I really can’t take credit for authoring this blog post. That’s because I spent a lot of time over the weekend talking with my brothers, Bill and Steve. At several points during our visit, I tried to take myself out of the conversation and just be a fly on the wall. I wanted to imagine what it would be like for someone who happened to overhear us. Here, presented out of context for your entertainment, are actual comments I heard them say at various times.

  • With Bill (left) and Steve, the conversation ran the gamut from landing on an aircraft carrier to driving with no brakes. In between, we covered frogs, lobsters, coons, Uncle Shep and a guy named Fuzzy.

    It doesn’t matter what kind of critter it is,  you know it’s a redneck talking when you hear, ‘That son-of-a-bitch bit me.’  I’m thinking: ‘And that surprises you after he growled and hissed for 10 minutes?

  • I drove that old Gremlin all the way from Tallahassee to St. Marks with my master (brake) cylinder sitting in the seat beside me. Did okay until I got to Springhill Road. Downshifted into first and the car shook so hard the passenger door flew open.
  • There’s a point when you just have to accept that you’re no longer fighting a fire. Now you’re just making a parking lot.
  • He told me he couldn’t work his shift because his water broke.
  • One guy called in sick and then put his buddy on the phone so he could call in sick too. I said, ‘Where are y’all?’ He said, ‘Offshore on a good grouper hole.’
  • Fuzzy used to work at the crab house. Just about ate ‘em out of crab bait though. They said he’d break off a hunk of frozen chicken necks and roast ‘em over a fire.
  • Thirty days in jail and Fuzzy would come out looking like a new man. He’s dead now, though. A boat fell on his head.
  • It’s a gig like those boys in the Everglades use. You just touch a frog with it and you’ve got him.
  • Even if you shoot a frog, you’ve still got to reach in there and get him. 
  • If aliens ever do come to earth, it might not be a good thing. They might just be looking for a high-protein food source.
  • Have you ever noticed that everybody says, ‘I think we’re stuck.’ Oh, really? Why do you think that? The fact that the engine’s at 4000 rpms and we’re not moving forward or backwards? Then, the very next question is always, ‘How much beer have we got left?’

    “Maybe we’re not stuck. Maybe we’re approaching the speed of light and the world appears to slow down around us.”

  • Daddy buried that Bronco in the mud so deep, he had to crawl out through the window. We finally got it out about midnight and damned if Billy didn’t drive his Jeep in the same hole.
  • Lobstering is like crabbing for gold.
  • He was having problems with his motor. So what does he do? Drive it just as far away from the landing as he can go.
  • I followed them all the way across St. Joe Bay in rough water just to catch one trout. I said, ‘Hell, I can walk across my back yard and catch a trout.’
  • Uncle Shep was going to check his traps, so he took off his ‘street’ leg and strapped on the wooden one he used in the swamp.

    Uncle Shep saved his ass-kicking leg for special occasions.

  • You could get $50 for an albino ‘coon skin, or $100 for an albino ‘coon that was alive. I said that’s a hundred-dollar ‘coon, Uncle Shep.  Then, POW! ‘Well, now he’s a fifty-dollar ‘coon. That son-of-a-bitch bit me.’

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After reading back through this list, I understand better why we’re seldom interrupted by people who want to join in our conversations.




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