Anti-Hunters Say the Darnedest Things

whitetail buck

The problem with the Internet is that it’s a lot like a microphone attached to a magnifying glass. Whether we want to or not, we have to hear and see a lot of stupidity that our grandparents got to avoid. (This column, for example, might make that point or prove it, depending on how you feel about hunting.)

I’ve learned to filter out a lot of the nonsense because even winning an argument with an idiot, sadly, doesn’t make them spontaneously combust. Instead, they just get louder and attract more idiots to their side.

Among this crowd, I’ve noticed some of the loudest are the rabid, self-righteous anti-hunters.

I’m not talking about people who simply don’t care for hunting. My mother definitely fell into that category. Near the very end of her life, she said to one of my brothers, “Do you know how many times I had to walk out in the back yard and ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ over some poor deer hanging upside down with his tongue out – while trying not to throw up?”

Despite her queasiness, Mama was a rational, educated adult who hadn’t been brainwashed by Walt Disney. She at least knew these animals weren’t singing songs and chatting with each other when no one was around.

You can laugh, but I swear there are people out there who genuinely believe that wild animals are magical creatures that just want to be our pals. These are usually old hippies or the younger, wannabe versions. Luckily, most are too stoned to form coherent sentences, much less make persuasive arguments. So, I just leave them to their granola and move on.

I also give a pass to the little-girl-who-never-grew-up types. These are women (mostly) and men who can’t accept the fact that all animals die, whether we like it or not. They’re likely to believe Muffin, their cat from childhood, is still alive on a farm somewhere out in the country. You can find these people in bulk at your local PETA chapter.

PETA is better at saving careers than animals.

PETA is better at saving careers than animals.

As far as I’m concerned, vegetarians and vegans are at least practicing what they preach. I leave them alone because nutrition deficiencies and fried chicken will bring them to their senses faster than anything I could ever say. Plus, if you’re willing to be a vegetarian, it seems like the practice is punishment enough.

That leaves the people who are both meat eaters and fervent anti-hunters. They are, as the Internet puts it, a “special kind of stupid.”

For example, I recently heard a grown man say he couldn’t understand why anyone would hunt. He went on to proclaim there’s a moral difference between killing animals raised for slaughter and killing ones in the wild. Thus he’ll eat the former and not the latter.

Oh, really?

Wanna guess who doesn’t think that way? The animals.

Do you seriously think deer get up in the morning and thank God they aren’t beef cattle? Or that cows raise an angry hoof to the heavens and ask, “Why?”

He doesn't care about the stock market -- or the market for stock.

He doesn’t care about the stock market — or the market for stock.

Of course they don’t. Those are human thought processes we try to superimpose on animals. It’s a reflection of our fears, not theirs. They make the most of their relatively short lives by living “in the moment” all the time.

I hated to burst this guy’s bubble, but somebody had to point out that every creature on Earth is food for something else sooner or later. (Last spring, for instance, I was the sole food source for about a dozen mosquito families.)

Eaters all become the eaten eventually. And it doesn’t matter to an animal whether the end comes on a feedlot or a food plot.

Unlike humans, they don’t have the Internet to amplify their most ridiculous ideas – which means they’ll probably survive long enough to start hunting us one day.

There. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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